Our Glorious Educator and Grand Head of Academia of the new Salisburia, Doctor “Big B” Butynskyi, has come to us in our darkest time of need, to save us from our greatest threat, ourselves!
We, the students of Salisburia, have long suffered at our own hands, crushed by our own misdeeds, our only hope for redemption is loyalty and utmost dedication to our very own “Big B”.
There has been an increase of delinquents spending extended time in the bathrooms, and Dr. B’s most recent decree has deemed that an individual who is guilty of this behavior will be punished rightfully and will be lended no quarter.
Other policies have deemed that individuals spending too much time on cell phones will also be dealt with accordingly, and will be reeducated on the glory of books.
Although worries of free lunch disappearing were justified, Big B has promised it will stay around. Unless you disobey any rules, then not only will lunch privileges be revoked, but breakfast and dinner at home as well. That may sound harsh, but you will still be welcome to eat on “Sludge Thursdays”.
Big B has come to change our school for the better, his recent changes in our curriculum and policies has brought down the violence rate for the school. Eliminating phones and computers from the programs by burning them and forcing everyone to switch to pen and paper has increased the average GPA from 2.0 to 3.3
Switching to pen and paper has had a lot of positive feedback from students, “I no longer feel like a zombie to social media” says one student who previously was addicted to their cell phone and playing games on their school computer.
